Thank you for giving me the opportunity to collaborate with this wonderful publication and for all of your thoughtful discourse. If you'd like to read more of my work, check out Feral Woman here: https://oliviabarbulescu.substack.com/.
I can relate. Sometimes we value people so deeply that we convince ourselves they feel the same way about us. It’s painful to realize they may not. Like you said, you weren’t asking her to drop everything. you were willing to work around her schedule. It hurts when you show up for others, support them, and care for them, yet they can’t be there for you during one of the hardest moments in your life.
As difficult as it is, this might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I hope you’re able to surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you and show up when you need them most.
thank you for reading :) the scary thing about being honest with your needs is you give people an opportunity to disappoint and surprise. I want to underscore that one of the things I've been so grateful for this month is seeing the people who I didn't expect to rise to the occasion that did.
It was an amazing piece to read. You're absolutely right. it takes a lot of courage to open up and be vulnerable. You showed incredible strength in doing that. I hope you're surrounded by people who truly love and understand you.
I absolutely love this but more than that, I can't help but notice how relatable this is. As someone who's going through a rough patch, there are so many people I have removed from my life because asking them for any sort of comfort or help made me feel that I was making my self a victim when all I was asking for genuine kindness and support. Thank you for sharing this!
So good, as always, Olivia. The therapy-speak brain rot language exhausts me…
I can’t remember a time that I’ve regretted showing up for a friend, even if I was tired or wanted to do something else instead. It’s always worth it, for them but also for yourself.
People like the idea of being nice . For becoming nice they forget to become real. And here your friend was using AI to convince you and herself that she is nice but things are difficult. Maybe I myself become people pleaser and forget to understand that the real me would be raw and original. This post is reminder for me.
but, what if she's a newlywed who is on cloud 9 with her man and is floating in the etherial feeling of setting up their new home, soaking in the cocoon of love before the inevitable happens - going back to reality. This time, as a new version of herself. She's no longer the single friend you met and fell in love with. She is now a wife and has a home of her own to tend to. A life that she's adjusting to. Worries and fears of her own I'm sure. Struggles and arguments with the man she loves over toilet paper. She's going through a major life transition and truly does not have the capacity. Maybe we just start taking what people say at face value without making it mean "you care more about the friendship than she does" let's give people grace.
Well I am crying 😢 Sorry that happened to you. Vulnerability is already scary and to be met with that from a longtime friend is horrendous. I find it interesting how women devalue friendships once they get married. To me it plays into the role of Patriarchy, where being in proximity to a man places them on the hierarchal system. Also interested to know if you expressed these thoughts to her and what was the outcome (optional self disclosure of course). With all of the craziness I have experienced from so called friends, I have been very vocal and specific about my needs to and what type of people I want in my life. No shame actually wanting to be closely connected to people. As humans that is our absolute most essential sustainer. Love to you!! And I hope you continue to receive the love you deserve.
Thanks for sharing this vulnerable piece. The realization of having misaligned expectations with life-long friends is one of the worst growing pains I've had in my twenties.
Unfortunately, some people only reach out to their ‘friends’ when they need support, yet disappear when life is going well for them. It’s undeniably selfish.
You are so brave to talk about this, I have been feeling the same way for so long ,but people just shut me down saying, we are grown ups and have different lives. We are busy now and stop being immature. Though I knew that, at the back of their heads, they agree to what I meant, but were just being selfish and wanted an excuse to covered their lack of effort in a friendship.
I agree. I feel like just accepting that this is a part of life, this is how "adult friendship looks like" accepts societal norms that we have the power to change. Thank you for reading.
Beautiful & raw observations, thank you for sharing, writing & working on these thoughts 🥹 I think sometimes we also have to learn to be okay with friends fading into the distance & others rising, we’re not taught that this can be healthy and normal .. there’s freedom and peace to be found in that .. seasons come and go, connections shift & change .. however I believe that the most painful of these types of shifts are within family as children grow, develop & become adults but maybe lack the maturity to relate to their parents with grace & love .. the pain for the loving & faithful parents of a child now adult flying the nest without looking back 😔
olivia, thank you for this. this is so important to talk about. i’ve been craving the female friendships i see in shows like satc & i find such importance in just being in each other’s presence. i’m a victim to this too sometimes but there can be so much focus on social media curated experiences and that’s def a part of the disconnect that exists with people.
this has made me reflect and motivated me to continue to be more intentional with my friendships. we all deserve way more than the bare minimum. thank you for sharing this and i’m so sorry for your experience.
As a person who has a warped view of friendship cause I didn't have them for most of the time or they left me without any explanation, this post did give me an glimpse of what it could be and what sounds heartwarming. The way you feel makes me want to work hard on the friends that I do have now and whom I am grateful towards, I still feel like I walk on thin ice everytime I indulge in this topic but you made me want to better myself and approach my friends in a way that could make them happy. Thanks so much 🧡
I really loved this and wholeheartedly related to so many points: the way pre-packaged ChatGPT text hits flat and overused, the way we abandon ourselves just to keep friends and how we simply cannot do that anymore!, and finally how easy it is to really be there for someone - just a facetime, or do the laundry with me - how those moments are so much more fulfilling than a '$60 tapas and wine for one hour' hang.
I recently fell out w a good friend of mine bc she had hurt me and after we scheduled a convo for a specific day and I couldn’t meet up w the date (I was going through it mentally + communicated), she said she was only free to talk over 2 months after, it’s her boundary and I should respect it. We were such close friends that she’d call when she had nothing to do and vice versa. It hurts not to have her in my life anymore. I wish she could read this.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to collaborate with this wonderful publication and for all of your thoughtful discourse. If you'd like to read more of my work, check out Feral Woman here: https://oliviabarbulescu.substack.com/.
I can relate. Sometimes we value people so deeply that we convince ourselves they feel the same way about us. It’s painful to realize they may not. Like you said, you weren’t asking her to drop everything. you were willing to work around her schedule. It hurts when you show up for others, support them, and care for them, yet they can’t be there for you during one of the hardest moments in your life.
As difficult as it is, this might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I hope you’re able to surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you and show up when you need them most.
thank you for reading :) the scary thing about being honest with your needs is you give people an opportunity to disappoint and surprise. I want to underscore that one of the things I've been so grateful for this month is seeing the people who I didn't expect to rise to the occasion that did.
It was an amazing piece to read. You're absolutely right. it takes a lot of courage to open up and be vulnerable. You showed incredible strength in doing that. I hope you're surrounded by people who truly love and understand you.
I absolutely love this but more than that, I can't help but notice how relatable this is. As someone who's going through a rough patch, there are so many people I have removed from my life because asking them for any sort of comfort or help made me feel that I was making my self a victim when all I was asking for genuine kindness and support. Thank you for sharing this!
It is scary to ask for help and be vulnerable, and I feel like people see it as very all or nothing. Thank you for reading.
So good, as always, Olivia. The therapy-speak brain rot language exhausts me…
I can’t remember a time that I’ve regretted showing up for a friend, even if I was tired or wanted to do something else instead. It’s always worth it, for them but also for yourself.
I completely agree. Thanks you for reading, Ellyn :)
People like the idea of being nice . For becoming nice they forget to become real. And here your friend was using AI to convince you and herself that she is nice but things are difficult. Maybe I myself become people pleaser and forget to understand that the real me would be raw and original. This post is reminder for me.
but, what if she's a newlywed who is on cloud 9 with her man and is floating in the etherial feeling of setting up their new home, soaking in the cocoon of love before the inevitable happens - going back to reality. This time, as a new version of herself. She's no longer the single friend you met and fell in love with. She is now a wife and has a home of her own to tend to. A life that she's adjusting to. Worries and fears of her own I'm sure. Struggles and arguments with the man she loves over toilet paper. She's going through a major life transition and truly does not have the capacity. Maybe we just start taking what people say at face value without making it mean "you care more about the friendship than she does" let's give people grace.
Well I am crying 😢 Sorry that happened to you. Vulnerability is already scary and to be met with that from a longtime friend is horrendous. I find it interesting how women devalue friendships once they get married. To me it plays into the role of Patriarchy, where being in proximity to a man places them on the hierarchal system. Also interested to know if you expressed these thoughts to her and what was the outcome (optional self disclosure of course). With all of the craziness I have experienced from so called friends, I have been very vocal and specific about my needs to and what type of people I want in my life. No shame actually wanting to be closely connected to people. As humans that is our absolute most essential sustainer. Love to you!! And I hope you continue to receive the love you deserve.
Thanks for sharing this vulnerable piece. The realization of having misaligned expectations with life-long friends is one of the worst growing pains I've had in my twenties.
I've really struggled with that as well in the past couple of years. Thank you for reading.
Unfortunately, some people only reach out to their ‘friends’ when they need support, yet disappear when life is going well for them. It’s undeniably selfish.
You are so brave to talk about this, I have been feeling the same way for so long ,but people just shut me down saying, we are grown ups and have different lives. We are busy now and stop being immature. Though I knew that, at the back of their heads, they agree to what I meant, but were just being selfish and wanted an excuse to covered their lack of effort in a friendship.
I agree. I feel like just accepting that this is a part of life, this is how "adult friendship looks like" accepts societal norms that we have the power to change. Thank you for reading.
Beautiful & raw observations, thank you for sharing, writing & working on these thoughts 🥹 I think sometimes we also have to learn to be okay with friends fading into the distance & others rising, we’re not taught that this can be healthy and normal .. there’s freedom and peace to be found in that .. seasons come and go, connections shift & change .. however I believe that the most painful of these types of shifts are within family as children grow, develop & become adults but maybe lack the maturity to relate to their parents with grace & love .. the pain for the loving & faithful parents of a child now adult flying the nest without looking back 😔
olivia, thank you for this. this is so important to talk about. i’ve been craving the female friendships i see in shows like satc & i find such importance in just being in each other’s presence. i’m a victim to this too sometimes but there can be so much focus on social media curated experiences and that’s def a part of the disconnect that exists with people.
this has made me reflect and motivated me to continue to be more intentional with my friendships. we all deserve way more than the bare minimum. thank you for sharing this and i’m so sorry for your experience.
I’ve come to realise that friendships are a necessity. We can’t do life alone
As a person who has a warped view of friendship cause I didn't have them for most of the time or they left me without any explanation, this post did give me an glimpse of what it could be and what sounds heartwarming. The way you feel makes me want to work hard on the friends that I do have now and whom I am grateful towards, I still feel like I walk on thin ice everytime I indulge in this topic but you made me want to better myself and approach my friends in a way that could make them happy. Thanks so much 🧡
Thank you for taking the time to read and relate. Here’s to more meaningful friendships coming your way.
I really loved this and wholeheartedly related to so many points: the way pre-packaged ChatGPT text hits flat and overused, the way we abandon ourselves just to keep friends and how we simply cannot do that anymore!, and finally how easy it is to really be there for someone - just a facetime, or do the laundry with me - how those moments are so much more fulfilling than a '$60 tapas and wine for one hour' hang.
Thank you for reading.
I recently fell out w a good friend of mine bc she had hurt me and after we scheduled a convo for a specific day and I couldn’t meet up w the date (I was going through it mentally + communicated), she said she was only free to talk over 2 months after, it’s her boundary and I should respect it. We were such close friends that she’d call when she had nothing to do and vice versa. It hurts not to have her in my life anymore. I wish she could read this.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Some of my biggest heartbreaks have been from friend breakups.